Crazy Babble

I heard something beautiful last night. It wasn't morbid, it wasn't even sad, but by god for all it's simplicity it's beautiful. It shook me to the core of all i knew and had come to believe in to know he thought this way. That this was HIS view to life. I have scrapped my way through the last 19 years by tooth and claw believing that life had no point. No rhyme or reason. It was my honest thought that i was just a number, another to join the many. this world is so old and so huge what can a little thing like me do to make a difference? Not that it wasn't worth trying. I have the many scars and battle wounds to proove i've done nothing but try. But we go through life going over the same old robot motions. We're born, we breed, we die. That was all there was. We go through each day experiencing these unbelievable things, like firnds, like love but what did it matter when all in all we were just going through the same numbered motions of breathing in and out? The rare few who are extraordinary enough while blood still flows through them get their names remembered for a brief period in history in which other numbered, nameless things pass down their information to the repeated youth. It's that that lead me to art. Knowing that if i could just do it well enough i could be remebered as something other than a number. But alas even that made me think... What's was the point? I know each breath is numbered but i could never find the energy to even try. But now what if he's right? What if all those perfect moments i'd wasted over thinking the importance or lack off importance of living were just wasted? All those especially precious moments i let pass me by because i figured meh oh well. The notion of being able to make my own point to life appeals to this new egregious creature i'm becoming. I'M A MONSTER and yet compared to the dull frail thing i was before, i'm luminous. and it's scaring me. Making my own goal my own point i could never have done before. i never thought i was strong enough i just figured i'd take what life gave me but it's not me any more. everyday i feel myself becoming a little more. what if i'm changing to much now? what if it's for the worse? I thought of YOU alot today and it didn't make me angry or numb or even sad. I felt nothing at saying your name. I don't think this creature needs you any more to function. You were never my point to life darling i hope you realise that now. your just a number now. I wish the starnge and the beautiful would notice me soon. He never seems to be looking up these days. He notices so much but never me. Where has he gone to in that head of his? I truely am scared at how far i could continue to change. if it is something bad than i just hope and pray that one of my family is watching over my shoulder to guide me straight agian.