Sail Away.

The best dream I've had in months was me dying, lying in your arms, where I've wanted to be all this time. It's the sweetest thing to hold you and be held in your arms, even if it's not real. My usual dream of your swinging feet appeared again last night too. Your body broken and blue, your feet swinging slowly. I daren't follow up the feet. I daren't ever look up from your feet. Watching those shoes we drew on move to and fro. The door won't open and all I can do is collapse and watch your feet. Your dead feet. Your dead body. Trapped with dead you in the room I only ever wanted to be trapped in. I hate this dream most. The others are nothing compared to it. Knowing that I left you to die kills me. I knowingly left when I knew what you'd do. I hate myself for this. I hate myself. I know this. I can never repare the damage I did that day. I obcess over dying most days now. How easy, how simple. I know I never will because of you, because I care to much about the effect it'll have on the ones who say they care. But the temptation is so great, I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist. I don't want to be loved any more. I want somebody. I want my happy ever after if there is one for me. But I'm so scared to trust anyone, to let any one in. This heart is so damaged. I linger on the edges of the unknown. I'm to scared to follow what I want because I know it doesn't want me. Or will end up not wanting me. I don't trust. I've starting babbling to people instead of saying what's important. It makes them not listen to me. Not ask about me, not to care. I need people but I don't want them to care. I pray the day I stop caring for others never comes.